I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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