Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
