Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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