guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Randomize
