What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Randomize
