So drunk its hurt
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
