please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
