you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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