omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
