I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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