i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
