Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My balls are so social today.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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