I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
