i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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