i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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