I haven't been this sober since birth.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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