I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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