Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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