I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
