Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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