i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
i think i have two assholes
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
