Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
