this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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