Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
