my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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