Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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