Don't make out with my wife yet
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
