Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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