I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
