i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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