dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
