maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
