Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
