I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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