Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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