There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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