Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
