I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
