just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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