I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
