It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
