Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
