from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
