I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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