I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
