i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
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youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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