you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
