I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
