just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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