Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
