someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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