K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
