I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
