We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
