Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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