It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
