We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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